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Today was my due date, Shiloh could have come today. His older brother Oliver was born on his due date, so it does happen sometimes- I think they say there is a 10% chance that will happen. But today is not a day of expectancy, it is a day of void, of heartbreak, and acceptance. Today is a day where I again choose to choose joy. Life has proceeded, time has passed and yet I still remember Shiloh every day. EVERY.SINGLE. DAY. The sting has been lessening daily, and yet today knocks the wind from my lungs. Today I feel the sting, the pain and my tears come so easy. I didn’t know what today would feel like, I have dreaded it, resented it, hated that it was inevitable that it was to come- and yet, I want God to have this day too. There is no way to know the feeling that grief brings unless you have lived it, it is so often a physical pain, an indwelling of a constant groan inside even when there is no outward expression of sadness. It feels like my heart could stop, like I could thow up- like nothing else matters. Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jer. 17:14 If I lift my eyes and open my lips to bring praise to the father, the heavy burden lifts sometimes for a long time, today just for a bit. Praise is the key to healing, to open my mouth and praise God in this too, I will praise God. That is a place beyond acceptance, it is choosing to choose joy- not because you feel it, but because you don’t. Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jer. 17:14 A couple weeks back God shared a word with e during worship. He told me that my heart was broken, and that I knew- but He told me why. He just said to me: “your heart aches so deeply because not only did you loose your son, you lost me”. I knew exactly what He meant, and I wept. It was true. I have not doubted Him for one moment, or His plan for me, or that He is powerful- I did doubt that He cared, that He had what was best for me in His heart, that He would not overlook me. He said those words to me because I had lost a true image of Him. My pain had caused me to build a false image of God, an idol, He was mostly like God- but lacking in love, in tenderness, in joy, in faithfulness. My image was wrong, it was a God made in my image, when I broke that idol my heart made- I felt a healing I had not felt since the doctor told us Shiloh was dead. Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jer. 17:14 Today should have been my due date. It could have….but God did not choose it to be so. I can fight that still, but mostly now I just weep from loss. When I get to heaven, and meet my little boy and my saviour I know my heart’s void will be filled- until then I do feel a longing, for my healer, and for my Shiloh. So I can say: Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jer. 17:14 For He is my healer. This is short, and yet- it sums it all up. It is true, I will always remember.
Amen.
If you haven’t read the story our our little Shiloh, read here. If you read this post and it blessed you, let me know-it blesses me so to hear it, or send me an email if you would prefer. |
